For as long as I’ve been blogging (coming up on two years) I have never written something that has generated 50+ comments. That is, until recently, when one of the essays I wrote for Hybrid Mom was posted on the front page of the parenting section of Shine.
I wrote it many months ago, when baby Blake was barely out of the womb and Dillon was adjusting to being a big brother and learning how to share his mommy’s attention. And I, despite my “village” of support was struggling to find a new routine.
So I wrote about the experience. I picked a slice of my life and turned it into a story. I poked fun at myself. I exposed my insecurities and my strengths. And I hope, I encouraged so many moms out there who may have been struggling with their choices. To remind them that they’re doing okay.
This weekend, as I discovered the article on Shine and watched the comments pouring in, I had to dig down deep and remind myself why I choose to tell stories about my life and to practice what I preach. Many of the comments were supportive. Some were indifferent. But the critics, although currently the minority, were harsh.
“Be an adult!”
“Loser!”
“B**ch!”
Those were the among the worst. Other critics wrote things I had actually thought myself:
“You sound a little self-centered.”
“You showed your son that when things get tough it’s okay to quit.”
“The problem is YOU! Get it together. Learn how to plan better.”
Others debated the merits of preschool, which wasn’t really my point, but they were within their right to do, and I understand why my story would initiate that conversation. One of my goals as a writer is to build a community of like-minded people. I do not expect everyone to agree with everything I write. In fact, I love discussions with different points of view. Especially when they come from a foundation of respect.
But hatred doesn’t sit well with me. I have a feeling in this new media, where writers can publish their work online and readers have instant access to respond however they wish, this is only the beginning.
In the meantime, I want to leave you with a couple of quotes. The first one arrived today from Angel Roberts, the instructor of Daniel Island Hip Hop. (As a total aside, her class is FU-UN!)
Angel wrote:
You all have such power within you. By sharing your joy, giving your love and standing firm as your true and beautiful selves, refusing to be changed by the world —we WILL change the world— if only a little at a time.
Since Friday, this quote from Marianne Williamson has been on my mind. This one really resonates with my soul. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Intemperate speech is damaging our national esteem.
Love the quote from Marianne. I’m posting it in my office for all my staff to see in order to say, “Go for it people! Be better faster stronger than me! I welcome it!”
I have to say that I am a firm believer of the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all…” and I think that we’ve clearly allowed a feeling of internet anonymity to shield people and allow them to make judgements on people’s lives and worse, second guess and mock decisions and life experiences…
I agree that not everything I read in print or online is something that I totally agree with, and if requested I will voice an opinion… but I think that teaching people the lesson that karma smacks those who smack others is a lesson well learned… I hope that you can ask the moderators at Shine to remove the offensive comments…
I totally agree with Heather…it’s fine to disagree with something, but if you can’t comment in a constructive way, then why bother? People who make disparaging comments like some of those you’ve quoted display nothing but their own mean spirited ignorance, and deem themselves unworthy of anyone’s time or attention.
As for your article, I loved it! Good for you for having the courage to do what’s best for your family at a particular time.
I love your article, good for you!
My son is 3, my daughter just turned 1. Last year when all his friends were starting preschool, we were not. Maybe schedule yeah, but more financial for us. If I was going to pay a nanny to watch my daughter while I worked, I couldn’t pay for school too. I live in Los Angeles, it’s expensive.
We decided to help get him ready we joined a kids gym class, he loves it and is opening up more and more, Interacting with the kids and really shining. It also helps that he gets lessons at home with the nanny and speaks fluent spanish (I love it)! I do not feel bad about our decision, and know that come September when he starts school (and his sister too), it will be less of a financial stress on us, and he will be more than ready. Plus he will have his sister there too.
I know that WE made the right decision for our family.
Again, good for you!
“I hate mean people.” No, just kidding. I do have a hard time understanding all the harsh words. As usual, I enjoyed your article. My girl friends and I have a saying (usually when we’ve had a glass of wine or two) “own it.” We try to “own” our decisions and not apologize for them.
No more apologizing for my 4-yr old who sneaks in the bed with me and I am too tired to do anything about it.
It’s okay if you have a toddler who still takes his pacifier.
Potty training works successfully at different ages.
It’s okay to feed a 9-month old a bottle during the middle of the night…
And I could go on and on. I have just gotten to a point in my life where I am owning more decisions and holding my head up high. Chin up.
This whole preschool pressure movement has me puzzled, even more so as to why it’s become such a sore point of judgement between parents. All kids didn’t used to go to preschool and there’s nothing wrong with that. If it works out, great! If not… so what? Your family found a pattern that fits YOU, so what’s the big deal? I read some of those comments and don’t understand why some people responded so personally, but I’m sorry you had to have that thrown at you.
That is one of the biggest issues, in my opinion, with all this internet and virtual technology now. There’s no human connection, no eye contact, to prevent people from writing things they’d never dare say to someone’s face. I think there should be e-ethics and etiquette classes offered for everyone!!
Great article, Angie.
Wow. I can’t understand that kind of hating. Weird. And over what? I had to read your article twice; I didn’t know what was in it that anyone could get upset about! (Mind you I’m not a parent, and I didn’t know there was such a thing as a preschool movement. In fact, I’m not even sure what preschool is. Is it the same as kindergarten? You don’t have to answer that.)
I agree with Heather above – internet anonymity can be a bit of a beast – or bring out the beast in people who wouldn’t be so nasty to anyone’s face. Or maybe they would…I don’t know. It makes me almost feel sorry for celebrities. My boyfriend (OK I wish) Craig Ferguson was talking about it on his show the other week – how there were all these nasty comments about him from total strangers on some site or other. Icky.
Anyway, what can ya do??
I look forward to your reveal!
I’m happy to see the vast majority of comments were supportive of you and your decision to do what is best for your entire family. I appreciated those who may have disagreed, but did so in a polite manner. However, there is absolutely no excuse for the hateful comments I read. It’s amazing the things people will say when they can hide behind a computer screen. My guess would be that these women have their children in preschool because they have no other choice and are angry at other Moms who have the ability to spend more time with their families. They most likely feel as though they’re not doing what’s best for their children and are releasing their own low self-esteem onto a Mom who was willing to share her own story so openly.
You have the support of so many of us Moms, especially this one! You are doing what’s best for your family and they love you for it!
Boo,
Listen, you can’t fix stupid. Anyone who thinks that name calling and harsh judgment is an acceptable form of communication is simply stupid. I’ve had people judge me for saying I didn’t LIKE breastfeeding. They have been super critical and I think,”I breastfed all three of my kids for MONTHS, YOU don’t get to decide if I liked it or not!!!”
You write with openness, honesty and passion. Your love for your family shines through and I am SURE your preschooler is much happier settled at home with a Momma who is relaxed than being shuffled off to school by a crazy woman who can’t seem to get enough rest.
BRAVO to you for doing what was right for your family even if it wasn’t the “in” thing to do. And a standing “O” for being willing to share that decision with the rest of us.
I love you, AND your blog. And the haters…well. They can just suck it.
Robin
I’m an older mom – my child will be 25 next week – but I know the situation you find yourself in. I was a “working” mom (aren’t we all?), off and on during the years that my son was in school. Sometimes I was the ONLY mom who dropped him off in the morning, picked him up before 6 p.m. and never got to attend the mid-day activities. Other times I was the all-volunteer mom who could do it all. I was lucky (still am) to have a supportive husband, as well as a career choice that I could handle from home (freelance writing). The point is, I made choices that worked for me and my family. Not choices to please someone else. You did the right thing – continue to make the choices that work for YOU and your family, and you’re good to go.
Okay, dear sistergirlfriend you do realize that the world is full of love and also hate. Fortunately we have been blessed to walk in the light of goodness, but that doesn’t mean there are not others out there just waiting to ponce.
I got this from LeadToday on Twitter yesterday: Malayan Proverb:Dont think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm. Yup, another one for the bathroom mirror.
Anyway, consider it a compliment that you are reaching a variety of people. They are reading your stuff. The fact that they are commenting is great. Just grab what you need and let the other stuff blow away in the wind or learn to appreciate the diversity. Yes, I know, easier said than done.
Also remember that you have a tremendous circle of people who think you are wonderful, who respect you, and love you. And finally as my mother always told me, there are over 5 billion people in the world and you haven’t met half of them yet, so why are you upset because 10 don’t like you?
Write on dear sistergirlfriend, write on!
Hey Angie, I missed the article, but just wanted to say it’s fabulous watching you hit your stride as a blogger. Congrats on the gig with Hybrid Mom.
You obviously did hit a nerve, which is sad to me considering the way you ended your post talking about how we all have to make decisions that work for us, and our families. How can it be selfish or lazy to know that what you are doing is not working for EVERYONE in your family, whether that is just you it’s not working for, or the baby, or the three year old. I did preschool for my 4yo last year (he’s 5 and in kindy this year) and found it very disruptive. I chose to continue but that was MY choice. No one has the right to be so difficult about what we choose – ugh! Still deciding whether 2yo will ever go to preschool or if he’ll just go to daycare 1-3x per week. It works better for the routine to use daycare than to go to 2hrs of preschool. And that’s all about me and I’m ok with it!
(I should have posted this on the Shine article but I hate signing in to comment – sorry!!)