“We had a long period this winter when both my kids were sick for weeks. And I was so worried about them. And I felt so exhausted from the worry. But my husband just kept reminding me that you can’t love so big without consequences. And I’d never give up that big love. But living life all the way means feeling it all. Everything.” ~Excerpt from my interview with author Katherine Center on HybridMom.com
I’m well acquainted with that “big love.” As we approach Mother’s Day, I’m looking back on a post I wrote last year:
Before my first son was born, I had all these big ideas and plans about how I was going to be the most super fantastic mom ever. I would shower my little one with love and affection and never do anything to scar his sweet little spirit. And then… he was born. The crying and the sleep deprivation. The work-life balance. The sleep deprivation. The confusion. The frustration. The sleep deprivation. And also… the smiles. The hugs. The kisses. And the angel voice that gets me every time, “Mommy? I love you.”
Some nights I put my head on the pillow and tell myself, “I got it right today.” But there are other nights I pray for a chance to love my son a little better tomorrow. This realization makes me think of my own mother, and her mother, and all the mothers who came before them. And suddenly, I’m filled with forgiveness. I’m overwhelmed with understanding. And love.
Maya Angelou has said, “You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.” And those words remind to forgive myself.
Becoming a mom has helped me understand many things I couldn’t understand as a child. I look at my own mom, our complex relationship, our “big love”, in a new way.
I sent her a message this week on HybridMom.com. Click here to read, “Mom, I Finally Understand.” And from the comments so far, you might want to grab a tissue on your way over there.
Have you experienced big love in your life? What has it taught you?
Hey Angie,
My mother used to always say to me, “just wait until you have children!” I suppose I could pick a person for Big Love. Since I’m the rebellious type I’m going to go with something different: Life.
It’s taken me awhile to get to this point, but I love my life! It’s pure magic… Love to get up in the morning to see what adventure awaits me. So much to see and learn and “unlearn.” I love to sleuth about on all sorts of topics, love hanging with my husband, love playing pinball, love dancing around the room with my cat in my arms, love learning new karaoke songs, love looking up at trees, love walking, love eating a good meal, love writing, love blogging, love commenting.
Life is fab … Thanks for this excellent question.
Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
Giulietta, I think life is pretty fab, too! And it has also taken a while to get here… feeling excited to get up, enjoying the simple pleasures of having my morning coffee. Yesterday, I ate my eggs out of the frying pan, standing at the stove, holding the baby. And I felt so blessed and happy.
I like reading good blogs (like yours) and commenting, too!
I totally relate to the “Some nights I put my head on the pillow and tell myself…” paragraph. Your insight continues to touch me!