The summer cold took up residence in my house for about two weeks. My four-year-old, Dillon, got it first– complete with fevers, aches and the whole bit. Then, in the spirit of sharing, he passed it on to his baby brother, Blake, and to me. On the worst day, my mom offered to let Dillon spend a couple of days at her house so I could take care of myself and Blake.
On the morning mom was scheduled to bring Dillon home, Blake and I were feeling much better. I pulled the ExerSaucer to the front porch and filled the tray with Cheerios. I grabbed my coffee and sat down in the rocking chair. Pure bliss. Coffee and the front porch. A happy baby. Simple pleasures that remind me no matter how hard I work, no matter how diligently I strive for success, I already have the things that truly matter to me. I didn’t arrive at this place by accident, or by luck. It has been a long journey. But for the most part, the happiness I’ve found comes from opening my eyes and seeing what’s already there.
When mom arrived with Dillon, she didn’t stay long. We had a nice, quick chat while she cuddled with Blake. As she was pulling out the driveway, I stepped out on the porch to pull the ExerSaucer back inside. I looked up and gave her a wave. She smiled and waved back. I felt my heart flutter– a feeling I’ve come to recognize. The part of me that’s still a little girl. The part of me that still misses my mom when she goes. The part of me that still seeks her approval. The part of me that wants her to be proud.
I know she approves. I know she’s proud. And perhaps that’s why I also had another feeling. Standing on the porch of my own house, collecting my coffee cup and baby toy– I had a feeling of being “a grown-up.”
I just finished reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan, and I know that’s why the moment was so pronounced for me. In her bestselling memoir, Corrigan describes the “middle place” as the “sliver of time when parenthood and childhood overlap.”
My mom lost her parents when she was in her 30′s. The age that I am now. My mom and I are only 18 years apart, so I remember my grandparent’s passing vividly. Their deaths blindsided us– their sickness came on suddenly and took them both quickly. And I still remember, after both of them were gone, my mom mentioning how lonely it felt to no longer have parents.
Some people lose their parents very early in life, while some have the opportunity to grow into old age along side them. Either way, being someone’s child, and the relationship we have with our parents can have a significant effect on our ability to see ourselves as “grown-ups.” Some feel thrust into adulthood, while others tend to linger in both worlds. I think that’s how it is for me. I linger.
I’m a responsible person. I’ve experienced things that may have caused me to grow up more quickly than some. But there are so many times I still feel like a child. And as I watched my mom pull out the driveway, I realized I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being “grown” and “child-like” at the same time.
So what about you? Are you still living in the middle place? Do you feel like a “grown-up?” And if so, when or what caused the shift?
I love the responsibility of being a grownup — going to work, paying the bills, reading the newspaper. But inside, I’m still a kid who likes science fiction movies, Peanut M&Ms, Santa Claus, and trying to figure out reasons for NOT mowing the yard. My grey hair says I’m 48, but my inner self says I’m still a kid who enjoys jumping out of swings!
At sixty-five, I look to others as if I’m a grown-up. Truthfully, I’ve always been pretty grown up; but inside when I am with “Papa” Michael and we’re acting silly like we did forty-three years ago, I’m not a day over twenty-two.
Oh, Angie, you had to go & make me tear up! I’m having a bad week, too — this morning, after days of rain, we were all set to go to the pool (lunches made! suits on! gear packed!). Then as soon as we arrived, my 4yo cut himself badly on a piece of metal. Tears, blood, hysteria, an emergency Dr. visit (but no stitches, whew) … When it was all over I called my mom & then cried & felt sorry for myself when she wasn’t home. Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.
At age 62 with my mother still living and my children parenting kids of their own, I am still keenly aware of all the roles I play — daughter, mother, grandmother. The funny part is that sometimes my grownup daughters are so wise that I feel like I’m momentarily THEIR child. And you know what? That’s okay, too.
I’ve probably become more grown up taking care of my elderly relatives than I did taking care of my son. Although there are similar lessons involved with both!
I’m fortunante to have my mother still with me, and I’m trying hard to cherish every day
For me, having children of my own brought on the grown-up feeling. A new perspective definitely happens with being a parent, a richer and deeper understanding of life that brings us to that grown-up level. That’s not to say that we still don’t enjoy the whim, fun and innocence of childhood, but still, it’s different. There’s almost a nostalgia to it.
I loved this post and reading all of the replies! You all make me smile! I’m definitely “in the middle” and have decided that I’m OKAY with it. I think it works out best for all involved in my family. My mom and dad are always looking for opportunities to take good care of me and are wise and thoughtful in amazing ways. I also love the carefree feeling I get of being a “kid” again when spending weekends with them! It’s like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I walk in their door! I look forward to being a mom someday soon when I can experience the “other” side. Thanks for your encouraging words!
Karla, I agree, I have loved reading these comments, and yours, too!
Love it. My sentiments exactly. I am caught between being a mom and wife and still feeling like the baby of the family. I still call my father “daddy” and I probably always will.:) I remember reading a book where the elderly mother would sneak into her ADULT son’s room at night and rock him in her arms. Can you say “co-dependent”! Thankfully,it sounds like we are doing better than that! Def. can relate to your post:)you always make me smile!