I've been told that I'm a person who appears to have it all together. And that's all fine and good, but sometimes it leaves me feeling a little awkward. On one hand, having it together is a good thing, right? On the other hand, the perception concerns me. Because I'm confused, insecure, sad and overwhelmed more often than I care to admit. The other day I met a friend for coffee. The intention was to have a mocha and catch up. Instead she got tears and too much information. I apologized countless times. For being a buzz kill. For "dumping my crazy in her lap." But if you can't dump your crazy in the lap of a friend, where can you dump it? The way I see it, you can't have intimate, close relationships with people if they never get to see your crazy.
I believe most of us crave that closeness. That unconditional love. It's hard to find. And in those rare relationships where that level of intimacy exists, I'm terrified of blowing it. I'm afraid that if someone really sees me, all of me, they'll hit the road. And that fear drives the need to wear a mask with a painted on smile. To play a part. To protect other people's feelings instead of being honest about my own.
Why am I telling you this? Because I believe that to ever find whatever it is we're seeking in life, we have to expose that fear. We have to recognize it. Shine the light on it and be brave enough to stare it in the face. I believe that's how you make the demon loosen its grip.
After my last post, James commented: I think that there is a fine line between genuine and sharing too much. I think that most of us that do write online struggle with how much is too much. Some things are just too personal to share online, or at least that is how I feel. Maybe I am wrong.
But I don't think James is wrong at all. Some things are too personal. So I commented back: You don’t have to talk about EVERYTHING to tell the truth. My mentor and friend Kelly Love Johnson said once, "Be honest enough so that people can relate, not so honest they cringe!"
James and I were talking specifically about blogging. But I think the rule can apply to real life. So as I discover and accept the authentic me, I'm also seeking balance. If I "dump my crazy" on a friend, I'm willing and ready to return the favor. And if my outward persona gives off the vibe that I have it all together, then great! Because you know what? I'm trying to do this thing called life the very best I can. Life's too short to let darkness rule the roost.
I am the good and the bad, the confident and the insecure, the together and the mess all rolled into one. That's my real. What's yours?
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