What's real?

I'm struggling.

Next week, my son will graduate from 4-year-old kindergarten. I used to be one of those people who thought preschool graduations were ridiculous. That was before a year of watching him grow and learn and bond with new friends. Only a few more days of standing at the fence after school, watching him play while I hold an enormous toddler who's so heavy I feel like my arm might fall off.  Each day, I wanted my son to hurry up. I was ready to go. Now I want to stand at the fence a little while longer.

Sure, I'm a sentimental mom. But what has occupied my thoughts for days weeks months now, is that I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. My son will start full-day kindergarten next year, and I still don't know how to balance my career ambitions with my desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Or work-at-home mom. Or whatever you want to call it.

I'm told that once my kids are in school everything will be so much easier. But I love my job(s). I'm being pulled by the good things. I don't want it to be easier. Sometimes I just want to rip the batteries out of that eternal clock on the wall. I want to erase the feeling of time slipping away.

I've been asked to give a talk next month about work-home balance. Apparently, that's what they're calling it now. Work-life balance is so yesterday. And I don't want to sell pipe dreams. I want to talk about what's real.

So you tell me. What's real?