I pushed the shopping cart down the aisle, stopped and contemplated the mandarin oranges. The way the price fluctuates blows my mind. Even the store brand wasn't cheap this week. I conceded, reconciled the fact that I don't coupon (it's a verb now) and grabbed two cans off the shelf. Then I noticed something.
Even at the grocery store. Even as I wrinkle my nose at the price of mandarin oranges. Even now, as I write this blog post with absolutely no peace and quiet (my boys are entertaining themselves on the brown couch in my office).
I've wondered where this feeling, the sense that I'm happy with my life right now, is coming from. There are some sad circumstances going on in our family. People that we love are sick, and we're faced with the possibility of losing them too soon. It doesn't matter how much time we get. It never feels like a enough. Grief and loss occupy a space in my heart, and yet I look at the life before me and see it as really, really good.
But why? And how? Have I tapped into some universal secret? Am I having a streak of good luck? I've asked myself these questions, and here are some thoughts I came up with:
Life ebbs and flows. So I should humbly accept this good place as a gift (as opposed to waiting for and expecting the other shoe to drop. Do you ever do that?)
Some of it is the result of clear and conscious action. Remember the wall of colorful sticky notes? Take a look at it now:
I've done it note by note and in the cracks of stolen moments. I work at odd hours. In the middle of the night. Before dawn. I know I can't sustain this schedule long term. But bottom line, I'm fueled by my creativity. Listening to my instincts. Following my hunches. Working from a master plan, and being really, really flexible.
I work in bursts. Then I have to chill myself out.
I do myself a huge disservice when I discredit my passions, calling them a waste of time. When I break the rules and trust, amazing things happen.
It's magical, but not the abracadabra kind. It's believing in my life and the purpose of my time here and working myself through the maze. Showing gratitude for the days I have breath by choosing to participate.
Do I have it all figured out? Heck no. Am I learning something important? I think so.