My new year starts today.

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Somewhere along this blogging journey, I made a decision to not apologize for posting sporadically. I didn't want to cloud the process with guilt and excuses. Instead, I decided to simply show up. To show up in a real and conscious way and give you the best that I had at the moment. And over the past year as I've recovered from having my third child, (after the third time around I can honestly report that it does, indeed, take that long) I believe I've done that.  

But.

In many of my close relationships, I can pinpoint a time where I needed to know, are you in this?  That's the thing I need to know about people before I can let down my guard. It's the final threshold of trust. And of course, it goes both ways. I must be willing and able to give what I hope to receive. 

So, to be "all in" in my writing life, I realized I had to do more than announce my intentions for the year. I had to do more than say I'd spend the year rewriting the book. I had to take an inventory of my days and weeks and figure out when and how I was actually going to do that. 

So lately, I've been teaching myself how to slow down. And wow--that's not easy. I've had to let go of some things. That part is difficult for me to blog about because personal finances and how we negotiate to make ends meet is so personal for everyone. For the majority of my adult life, I've grappled with success--what it means to be successful and have success.  And it's been a two decade long (if not a lifetime) journey of realizing I am an artist. 

I've had the most difficult time coming to terms with her. With me. My inner artist represents so much truth. And she scares me. 

But ultimately, I had to acknowledge that I want to write this blog. And I want to re-write my book. And now, writing in the cracks while I also focus on kids and day-to-day tasks of keeping the household running doesn't feel like settling. It feels like success on my terms. 

 Perhaps what I have now, at 38, after trying my life all kinds of ways, is perspective. And perspective changes everything. 

So, today I'm here, without apology, to let you know that I'm in this. I'm in this relationship to the written word. This relationship to telling stories that matter. And this relationship with those who show up to read those words. 

As in every relationship, it's a matter of choosing. I have to say yes, over and over again.  

Happy New Year to me.