Wake me up inside

I heard the song in a body pump class at the gym. I lifted the weights, and the motion and the music made the memories play out like a scene in my mind. 

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark

It's 2003. I'm in Portland, driving in my car, the song is playing on the radio. Almost as quickly as I go there, it's 2013 again. I'm back at the gym. Tears threaten to blur my vision, but they subside. I still feel the ache in my chest. 

Even now. It was so long ago. A decade. 

I've written about that difficult year and the good that came from it. But the song still cuts me because I remember how it felt. In the video, the woman is pleading. She wants to wake up. 

I follow the instructor's cues, lifting the weights, looking at my older self in the mirror. I reexamine my word for 2013 -- free -- the word that has helped me understand my own story, set my intentions for this blog, and my life. I peel back another layer. I see something else.

It's not that I suddenly see things differently, instead I see a bigger picture and have found a singular piece that brings it together in a new way. An added element of truth that makes it feel whole, more whole than it did before. Like when a particular filter on Instagram lights up a photo in a place that feels just right.

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I'm awake. I'm alive in my life.  I am awake and alive in my life. 

Wake me up inside. It is my core desire, my gentle nudge, my fuel. It plays in the background of every scene, every decision. It digs me out of the stuck places, points me towards honesty and healing, drives me to leap, encourages me to be brave, reminds me to be real

It doesn't matter to me -- and it has never mattered to me -- how old you are, what you do for a living, if you're a parent, if you stay home with your kids or work outside the home... my choices don't have to be your choices. What matters to me is this: Do you feel alive in your life? The answer doesn't have to be yes. My answer isn't always yes. There are many times the answer is not yes. But there are so many connection points. Endless ways to enter. 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Each day, my prayer continues: Wake me up inside.   

Oh, here's the video.