you have to believe to receive

Here’s a little story I shared over at Robin’s and Jodi’s blog this week, as part of our “holiday memories blog tour.” As I recalled a special time in my childhood, I couldn’t help but think about Charlie Brown’s angst that Christmastime was too commercial. On this Black Friday, as the official shopping season begins, I’ll embrace the hustle and bustle AND what this time of year truly means to me. Thanksgiving may be over, but I continue to count my blessings.

For as long as I can remember, I have understood and celebrated the true meaning of Christmas. But even as a little girl, I noticed how Santa seemed to upstage the baby Jesus. The Son of God born of a virgin in a manger… a miracle I never doubted. But ol’ St. Nick had a Hollywood type of charm, and by Christmas Eve, he had stolen the show.

My dad would ratchet up my excitement, pointing to the red glow in the sky (which was probably pollution). “Hey, Angie, look! There’s Santa Clause! He’s coming.” How did this magical fat man fit all the toys for every boy and girl in the entire world in his sleigh and deliver them in one night? I was awestruck and amazed.

At bedtime, I’d crawl under the covers and lay frozen until dawn. Mom said if Santa caught me peeking, he’d take my toys away. She never told me not to move, but still, I barely breathed.

At the first light of day, I’d dash down the hall and shriek, “He came! He came!” I’d survey my toys and then run into my parent’s room. “Dad, you’ll never guess what Santa brought! A Barbie house, a record player…”

“No way. I don’t believe it,” he answered in a sleepy voice, playing along. Of course, I had no idea Santa had stayed up a little too late, having a few Christmas cocktails.  I was a bona fide believer.

When bigger kids told me Santa wasn’t real, my faith wasn’t shaken. “Do you think my parents could afford to buy me a bike, a Brooke Shields Fashion Face, AND a My Pretty Pony? I don’t think so!”

Then one year, the magic went away. I walked in the garage on Christmas evening and saw empty boxes that had previously held my toys. If my toys came from Santa’s workshop, what’s with all the boxes? I asked my mom about it, and the look on her face said everything. Santa’s cover was blown.

From that year on, my parents thought Christmas was Totally Boring. And it was my fault for no longer believing in Santa Clause. I continued to torture my mom as my husband and I dated for five years before getting married, and then waited another five to have kids.

Now, finally. Santa’s back. Christmas is fun again. I’m already rehearsing my speech the day my oldest son discovers it’s all a big sham and ruins it for his younger brother. I will remind them of the true meaning of Christmas. I will share the history of Kris Kringle and how believing in Santa is just a fun way to keep the spirit and magic of the Christmas season alive.

Then, it will be my turn to start counting the days until I get some grandchildren.    

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go geeks!

I learned some hard lessons last week.

When I get really busy, stressed and rushed, I make really BIG mistakes. Like, do a complete system restore on my computer to fix a bug… a restore that returned my computer back to the factory settings. Which would have been fine IF I had properly backed-up my hard drive (which I didn’t.) And I’m keeping it real, I fell to my knees and cried when I realized the videos of baby Blake were gone. 

Grief hurts like nothing else. 

In the midst of my despair, a couple of friends would not let me accept that the videos were lost forever. I resisted their comments at first. I was like, “Stop. It. REALLY, they are.”  

I think that’s when I was kidnapped by aliens, because Friday, I found myself at Best Buy, talking to a member of the Geek Sqaud. Before I knew it, I was scanning my debit card for $60 to have my computer shipped off to a team of experts who can apparently find data that mere mortals have “deleted.”

I do have faith in their abilities, although I’m going to remain cautiously optimistic. Perhaps they’ll find my videos behind some trap door in my hard drive. Perhaps it will cost eleventy million dollars to retrieve. Who knows? But at least I’m doing something.

When I lost the videos, I told myself my memories are constant. I remembered that I am gifted with the ability to write, and one day I’ll be able to share those stories with Blake. I told myself cherished moments are recorded each time I’m fully present, awake and engaged in my life. And I still believe that.

But I also believe if I feel strongly about something, I must take action. I believe in chasing pavements, even if it ultimately, it leads “no where.” I don’t need too many ”things” but if there is a chance some geek can recover my videos, well then, I have to try.

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erased

I have no love for the computer right now, which is ironic because here I sit. This week, I permanently deleted (accidentally) the video files from baby Blake’s first three months of life. What struck me was the extreme sense of loss I felt… there’s no way I can go back and recreate those moments. I have photos, but I can’t hear the cries or the buzz of excited chatter that filled the room when he arrived into this world. There are so many things that will now be left to the imagination, my memories…

Everything I love about this life is merely on loan to me. Having children magnifies how quickly things change. They are growing so quickly… sometimes it all feels like a blur. I try to capture the magic with videos and photos, but now I’m painfully aware of the false sense of security that provides.

In a strange way, “the computer malfunction of 2009″ did me a favor. It was a real, raw, snap-to-the-present experience. I’m reminded to open my eyes. Watch. Pay attention. Love fully and feel deeply. Participate in my life– don’t merely snap photos and document occasions, in hopes of catching it later.

perspective

This week I was taught, once again, the value of perspective. When I find myself really stressed out and totally confused, it usually means I have lost sight of the bigger picture. I get so bogged down in the tiny details of my circumstances I can’t see my way out.

About a year ago, I wrote about how my son got glasses, and it changed the way he saw the world. Before his new specs, he didn’t realize what he was missing. After a couple of days, I no longer had to chase him around the house or bribe him with candy to get him to wear them. Today, he puts them on without a fight. He has a new perspective, and he likes it.

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I emailed a friend last night– and admitted that navigating life transitions with ease is not my specialty. I am in love with my children, but I’ve been conflicted about my desire to stay home with them AND my desire to pursue my writing career. I’ve met lots of moms who have shown me it’s possible to do both. It can get really messy. But if it’s worth having, it’s worth chasing.

I was torn, because it seemed I had competing values. As I write this sentence, my three year old keeps kissing me on the lips. Sometimes I wonder if there’s room in my heart to handle all the love. Am I equipped to receive the abundance? It’s mine to have, as soon as I change my perspective.

Lately, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of noise– joyful noise– but noise nonetheless. This week my husband took a day off work (LOVE HIM) to spend time with the kids while I got out. For a few hours, I was able to escape the external noise and the unproductive chatter in my head. In a moment of quiet, I was able to step outside my circumstances and see the bigger picture. And by the end of the day, I discovered that most of my prayers had already been answered. Even though I had felt like I had lost my connection, I realized I was never alone.

Can I getta Amen?

What are your superpowers?

We all have superpowers. For example, I have a crazy memory. I can remember being two years old. People don’t believe me, but it’s true. Recently, I took a quiz posted on Denise Turner’s blog, which concluded that I am Wonder Woman. Click here to read Denise’s hilarious post (she’s Green Lantern) and find out which superhero YOU are.

All of this superhero business inspired my latest essay over at Hybrid Mom. Find out what happened to Wonder Woman when she pushed things a little too far.

Hybrid Mom

I’m so happy to be back. I’ve missed blogging on a regular basis and receiving your comments. My writing voice (and all my other ones for that matter) are still infused with fluctuating hormones and sleep deprivation, but maybe that will make things more interesting!

For those just tuning in, I delivered my second son six weeks ago. Everyone is doing well.

cover-summer-2009-largeI wanted to start with a quick note that I am now a contributor to Hybrid Mom. My articles will appear on the magazine’s website a couple of times a month. I’m thrilled to have this opportunity. My first essay, Age is Relative, Life is Right Now, is already up if you want to check it out. If you do, please post comments on the Hybrid Mom site. (Even if you read the story when it appeared in the Post and Courier back in May.)  

Hybrid Mom’s tag line is “Mother Your Ambitions.” I love that message. Because what do mothers do? They nurture. I think it’s so important to hold on to the things that inspire us, recognize our unique gifts and talents, and actively seek our purpose and place in this world. In other words, nurture your ambitions!

I’m thrilled I’m at a place in my life where my personal and professional aspirations are getting their groove on and dancing in sync. It’s been quite a journey. So now, I’m expressing my gratitude and seizing the moment.

I’m so glad you’re here! I hate to dance alone. Although I’ve been known to do it.

See ya back here soon. And if you’re on your way to Starbucks, grab me a latte ,will ya? Or order an extra shot of espresso in honor of me!

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Sweet baby blake…

Welcome to the world baby Blake! Weighing in at 8lbs 4oz and 21 inches long, he’s no Yao Ming, but he’s very healthy and we are oh so blessed. mommy-and-blake-2

big-brother-2daddy-and-blake

I’ll be taking a brief hiatus from writing, but I’m sure this new phase of life will give me lots of new material in the months to come!

So until then, take care and thanks for all of your comments and support!

Angie

Wanted: moms seeking balance

balancedmomcover1We’re good at juggling, multi-tasking and wearing PB&J and spit-up like a badge of honor. We love our kids. And we are so blessed. But have you ever felt overwhelmed, unattractive, uncool and exhausted? Have you ever slumped down on the couch and cried, “But what about me???”

And then two seconds later felt guilty for feeling that way?

I know I have. Over the past three years I have embraced my role as mommy, while at the same time, I have struggled to find my own place in the world. Not everyone can relate. But I do know I’m not alone. Whether you work outside the home, do the part-time thing, or stay at home full-time with your children, chances are you have felt out-of-balance. Along the way, I’ve found comfort and support from women who have walked in my shoes.

briapic1Today, I’m happy to have the privilege of sharing my conversation with Bria Simpson, life and business coach for moms and the author of one of my favorite books, “The Balanced Mom, Raising Your Kids Without Losing Your Self.”

Angie: Bria, first of all, thank you! I am a fan of your work and am honored you’ve taken the time to share your insights with my blog readers. I discovered your book several years ago as I was wandering through Barnes & Noble, no doubt searching for a book on how to teach my son to sleep. I was struggling with how to balance work and the responsibilities of motherhood, along with my need to exercise and do the little things, like take a daily shower. “The Balanced Mom” was easy to read and exactly what I needed. What inspired the book?

Bria Simpson: There was nothing out there like it! I was coaching moms on how to balance their lives and hold onto their selves throughout motherhood and they would ask me “Is there a book to help keep me going?” I looked and couldn’t find one- so I decided to write a simple book with quick tips on how to BOTH balance AND stay fulfilled as we raise our children in a child-obsessed era.

Angie: How do you define balance?

Simpson: I consider a balanced state to be one in which a woman makes time for nurturing others, caring for herself, and fulfilling herself. I’ve found over time that for most women, fulfillment includes meaningful work (with the right balance at home) and this is my focus now- helping moms create service or people-oriented jobs with the balance they want at home. With this set-up, like I have, moms are finding they can run profitable, unique businesses and be the mom they want to be!

Angie: My favorite chapters are “Seek Your Soul’s Desire” and “Let Your Courage Emerge.” Tell us more about what those chapters mean to you.

Simpson: Our souls will speak to us and give us guidance IF we have enough quiet and peace in our lives. Create the quiet time first- every single day. Get out in nature. Meditate or do yoga. And then LISTEN for your heart’s desires, your soul’s language, and follow that guidance with your courage. For many moms, it means going back to work part-time in a meaningful career or scaling back to a more balanced career if you are working too much or not enjoying your job. Your soul will tell you- if you have enough quiet and introspection in your life. But then, you have to find your courage to make the changes.

Angie: In this economy, some stay-at-home moms are feeling the pinch and wondering if they should go back to work. And other moms tell me they are thinking about re-entering the work-force when their children get older. You believe it’s possible for moms to find paying work they love and still have quality time with their family. What do you say to the skeptics?

Simpson: I’d say to the skeptics- you just haven’t figured out the right job yet! I know the internet is still scary to a lot of moms (most of us missed the “understanding phase” of the internet boom) but it’s amazing how we can SIMPLY market businesses through the internet and work the hours we want to work. That’s why I am opening up programs to teach moms how to start and grow simple people-oriented or service-oriented businesses using simple internet marketing. These are the ingredients for having a profitable, balanced business that allows our unique, independent selves to emerge AND honors our desires to be present for our families.

Angie: Some women tell me they are so busy, they don’t even know where to start. I know I’ve felt that way at times. What’s the first piece of advice you would give to someone who’s feeling overwhelmed?

Simpson: Understand your time and energy is precious and LIMITED. You MUST be extremely careful with how you spend it because once the time is gone, it is gone! Only say yes to your top priorities (which must include self-care) and say no to everything else. It’s the only way to be balanced and happy.

You can learn more about Bria’s life and business coaching, peek inside her book and gain access to free tips by visiting her website.

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Sometimes laughter is the best medicine

Lately, I have epidurals on the brain. I went to the doctor today and she confirmed my suspicions– I could have this baby any day now.

And he may or may not be Yao Ming.

This is how I look:

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This is how I feel:

violet7

And if anyone can’t see how I’m different from Violet Beauregard, let me point out– SHE’S BLUE.

I’m not complaining. Despite the fact that I’m less than comfortable, my husband and I feel extremely blessed that we are about to become a family of 4. It took a while for us to get pregnant with baby number 2, and we’ve had a few scares during this pregnancy. So really, I feel very thankful that I can make jokes about the size of this kid, and my physical appearance.

And speaking of my husband… he really got the shaft on Father’s Day.

This is what he deserves:

land-rover

This is what he got:

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… the last bit of cookie dough and remnants from the junk drawer. My 3-year-old and I came up with this while hubby was out cutting the grass in 100 degree heat. Aren’t we sweet? He didn’t seem to mind that we ate the cookie after he went to take a shower. Poor daddy only got one bite.

So what was my point anyway? Oh… that laughter is the best medicine. But please, please cross your fingers that I make it to the hospital in time to get an epidural. Otherwise I have a feeling I won’t be laughing while giving birth to Yao Ming.

Angie

ps- coming up later this week, I conclude my Phenomenal Woman series with an interview with Bria Simpson, author of “The Balanced Mom: Raising Your Kids Without Losing Yourself.”

Many thanks to Doretha Walker, Jennie B in SC, Katherine Center and Simpson for taking time out of their busy schedules to answer my questions. Ladies, you inspire me! If you enjoyed what they had to say, please pay a visit to their blogs and let them know!

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Finding the beauty in life’s imperfections

katherine-centerI’ve recently become a raving fan of author Katherine Center. She writes amazing essays and fiction books; a simple sentence can make my heart stop beating for a moment. Recently, Center took time out of her own busy schedule talk to me about her work:

Angie: You first caught my attention when you posted the essay, “Nothing Worthwhile Is Ever Easy,” on Blogging Authors. In the essay, you wrote, “Nothing that doesn’t push you past your limits can change your life. It’s true of work, it’s true of parenting, and it’s true-a hundred times over-of love.” Much of your writing seems to urge the reader to realize that beauty is found in life’s imperfections.

Katherine Center: Absolutely.  Because that’s something I believe, and something I’m always trying to remind myself.  You have to look for the beauty in struggles and challenges. You have to make a choice to see the beauty there. Sometimes the hard things we do just feel hard. It’s not always possible to appreciate the wisdom you’re gaining in the moment that it’s happening.  But later, when wisdom comes, you know where it’s come from.  When you’ve been around long enough, you start to see the patterns.  I guess that’s the upside of not being young anymore… You know from experience that the struggle always leads, in some way, to something better.

everyone-is-beautifulAngie: I recently read your novel, “Everyone is Beautiful,” which tells the story of Lanie, a stay-at-home mom of three boys. Wearing oversized t-shirts and covered in peanut butter and jelly, Lanie yearns to reconnect with who she was, before marriage and kids. Lanie is such a mess, and at the same time, so down-to-earth and likable. Who– or what– inspired her character?

Center: In some ways, she’s me.  Or at least, her big struggle–how to take good enough care of herself and also take good enough care of her family–is like mine.  Though everybody I know with young kids seems to be struggling with that question: How to do a good enough job with all the important things in life. 

I met a woman at a book club the other night who was so disappointed that I wasn’t actually Lanie.  I like Lanie a lot, though.  I like to write about people who are real and likeable.  I like to write about people who tell their stories in that close and intimate voice we use with best friends. I love the closeness and honesty and vulnerability that come from characters who can talk that way.  All my main characters are like that–people I’d love to sit around having coffee with. They are people who will tell you honestly about the things that scare them and worry them and trouble them.  Because those moments of connection between women–when they really decide to be honest with each other about their lives–are some of the best things in life.  

Angie: I totally agree! Eventually Lanie stops longing for the person she used to be, and embraces the woman she is today. I don’t want to give anything away, but what makes her transformation so powerful?

Center: Motherhood changes you.  Life changes you.  And that’s not a bad thing!  We are supposed to grow up and mature and get old.  That’s how it’s been for all of human history. And there are real advantages to doing all of those things.  But we live in this funny culture that wants to keep us all looking (and maybe even acting) like we’re 20.  There’s something so exhausting about fighting the natural cycle of things.  For Lanie to just accept herself as she is, in that moment of her life, as a mom, for what that means…  I think it’s something we all wish we could do, on some level.  Just relax and be ourselves.

the-bright-side-of-disasterAngie: Your first novel, “The Bright Side of Disaster,” is next on my must-read list. In it, very pregnant Jenny is unexpectedly thrust into the world of single-motherhood. This excerpt from the book made me catch my breath: “When I said… this is the end, I meant, the end of the life I thought I was going to have.” Most of us can recall a moment when we realize our life is no longer going according to script. It can be difficult to accept. But I’ve learned that sometimes, when life takes us in a different direction, it’s actually doing us a favor. Do you agree?

Center: I do.  The tagline for that book is:  ”Sometimes the worst thing that can happen is exactly what you’ve been waiting for.”   

There’s a great Garrison Keillor quote that runs through my head a lot:  ”Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have…”  Some of the greatest ideas we have come from making do.  Life never gives you what you’re expecting, and that’s what keeps it interesting.  What matters most is how you respond to your heartbreaks and your disappointments and your fears.  What matters most is who you become in response to them.  

Angie: What motivates you to do the work you do?

Center: I think stories are intensely comforting.  Stories about people we can relate to and care about–well-told stories that make us laugh and sweep us into them.  It’s a really powerful thing to sink into a novel and let it pull you out of your own life a little.  

Writing a novel is a lot like reading one.  The people and events appear on the page, and you follow them and see where they’re going.  You hear them talking.  You have some influence over them, of course, if you’re the author of the story.  But half the time, they’re surprising you. 

So in some real way, I’m just motivated by pleasure.  It’s just fun. I’m writing the books I’d like to read… 

Angie: And they are books I like to read, too. You can learn more about Katherine Center’s work by visiting her website or her blog.

I’ll leave with you a must-watch video excerpt from Center’s essay, “Things To Remember Not To Forget.”

 

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