Grieving and getting up

This summer, I took a break from my forward-facing work: I posted less on social media, took fewer meetings, and Hello Friday went on hiatus. The simple reason: I was grieving.

I know grief is not something we like to talk about but stay with me here.

Have you ever seen the TV show Shrinking? Harrison Ford plays a therapist who deals with his grief by listening to a sad song, setting a timer for about 15 minutes, and letting all of his sadness rise to the surface. When the allotted time is up, he pulls himself together and goes about his day.

This approach might only work for some, but I like the show’s message: we must give our grief space and a place. Our grief needs room to breathe.

At the beginning of June, my oldest child graduated from high school, and 10 days later, I lost my mom. Even today, I can be doing something as benign as searching the refrigerator for a snack, and the reality of loss will hit me like a wave.

Sometimes, grief forces me to stop. Other times, it walks alongside me, and I keep doing whatever I’m doing. We can’t life-hack grief, solve it, or do anything to make it disappear. It’s not necessary to judge grief or feel ashamed of it. The only effective thing we can do with our grief is feel it.

There are so many layers to this topic, but today, I’ll say that if something in your life feels heavy, if you feel stuck or unfulfilled, consider whether what you’re feeling and carrying is grief.

Grief comes in many forms. There’s the grief we experience when someone dies. Other times, and perhaps more often, we experience a more nuanced or nebulous grief: the loss of a relationship, a job, or simply the way things were. When our life is suddenly different than it was (even if some parts are good) we may also experience a shift in identity and a void, activating the grief response.

I learned this lesson a long time ago. This is why I end my memoir with Robert Frost’s quote, “The best way out is always through.” One of the most important things we can do to live a more authentic, free, and fulfilling life is to allow ourselves to grieve.

Grief feels terrible—it’s the worst. But unprocessed grief keeps us from fully living. As painful as it is, consider that grief is one of the most genuine and honest expressions of who we are. When you let your grief take you down, it will also nudge you when it’s time to get back up.