Today is one of those days that's not going at all as planned. Last night, I went to bed early, alarm set for 5:00 a.m. so I could slip into my office to write. Instead, at 1:00 a.m., Blake came into our room. Shawn lifted him into the bed, and then the sound. That sound.
The sound of Blake getting sick.
While Shawn tended to Blake, I hopped to the floor, stripped the sheets, disinfected the mattress, put new linens on the bed, and simultaneously admired our ability to snap to action like that. It was going to be a long, sleepless night, and I wished that the adrenaline would rise again with the sun.
Reality: I turned off the alarm and slept later than planned. Blake's dentist appointment won't happen today, as well as many other things.
And today, it's all okay with me. Perhaps it's because for the past month, I've painted walls and cleaned out toys and wiped down surfaces and cleaned windows. I've been nesting, and I sense this is my own way of drawing this year to a proper close, tending to my own needs at the most basic level.
It's making a difference in how I feel. I first noticed it when I was crouched under the pedestal sink, painting the downstairs half bath. I looked out into the freshly painted family room and noticed how crisp and new the space seemed. I felt something inside me expand; a calm washed over me.
Yesterday, Blake and Dillon—for the first time ever—identified the toys it was okay to part with. Even the Happy Meal toys. When Blake saw his new, clean room he exclaimed, "My room looks awesome! Thank you, Mommy!" And he's four.
I have three kids. My house will never be clean for long. Having a clean house was never really the point. The point was making space inside our home to live and enjoy and appreciate what we have.
Last night, as I tucked myself into the tiny love seat so I could keep watch over Blake who was sleeping on the bigger couch with a trash can by his head, the heater switched on. And the hum lulled me to sleep.
That sense of contentment has followed me into this new morning. Before I started writing this, I popped over to Courtney's blog. She shared this quote from Katrina Kennison, from Kennison's book Mittens for God:
My children are most at ease when I am at ease myself.
In the wake of sickness, I'm glad I've spent these past weeks taking care of myself, too, by making time for home.